This WASN'T in What To Expect!!!!! [personal entry]

[kidsnurse]

Just a quick note to God, or the Fates, or Whatever Else might be Out There:

If ANYONE had EVER mentioned SCIENCE FAIR PROJECTS to me, lo, these many years ago,

I WOULD HAVE REMAINED CHILDLESS!

also, there is not enough Ativan on the freakin' planet.

 

That is all. 

Comments

[misanthropicobs.livejournal.com]

Just to tell you that - better you than me. I have vivid memories of my own kid's disastrous efforts in that direction. Plus the "Mom you have to "help" whine". I thought it would never end. But it eventually did and like you it's an experience I could gladly live without.

[romeo46.livejournal.com]

Ahh, you just reminded me why I don't have any children :)

Yes, the annual science fair project. The only time I won was the year my mom did my whole project because she didn't like the way I was doing it.

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

i don't WANT to win; i don't even wanna place. I JUST WANT SOMETHING WRITTEN DOWN ON POSTER BOARD THAT LOOKS LIKE MY KID OWNS AT LEAST TWO BRAIN CELLS TO RUB TOGETHER.

and--parenthetically--because i am gimping around the house, shouting enthusiastically, "It'll be FUN! We can DO it! We'll make a memory that'll last a LIFETIME!" koda is now cowering in a corner of the kitchen, mumbling, "ummm.... mommmm.... you're scaring me...." [with a sweet, wry smile on his face].

that whole not having kids thing? was a damned sound decision, my dear.

[romeo46.livejournal.com]

Note I said she TOOK OVER the whole project. I just need to do the damn thing and had a perfectly good idea going but it wasn't good enough I guess so she ended up doing it for me.

It wasn't fun and wasn't a great team building mom and me time I tell you that.

What are you guys making anyways?

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

we are stealing an experiment from the ever popular 'mythbusters' tv show. we are going to 'find out' the quickest way to cool a can of beer--ice, ice and water, or ice and water and salt.

only... we're using soda. :( which is actually a good thing--else koda would... uh... already be missing the most important component of this experiment. hee. [and--normally--i'm one of those 'helicopter moms' too, hovering over everything, and demanding perfection, and, eventually, taking over to insure said perfection. but between trying to quit smoking, and depression, and playing med roulette, well, i've just gotta say, I DON'T FREAKIN' CARE!!! and it feels damned good.]

[romeo46.livejournal.com]

mmmm beer. Sometimes it is okay to say blerg to it all.

So what is the fastest way? I remember seeing that episode but unless stuff is blowing up I don't remember any of the details.

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

the fastest way? go to the nearest convenience store and purchase a small, brown, paper bag for a few bucks. then have the kindly cashier drop a nice, cold can into it!

seriously, though--ice, water, and salt.

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

Take another pill and a big swig of coffee because it gets worse. Let me tell you about the year of the English project where I had to sew sock puppets and his dad built a puppet stage. There was no way on this earth any kid could have done that on his own. I'd love to know what his teacher was smoking when she dreamed that one up. And then there was the world history project where we had to draw maps by hand, color them and glue them to a beach ball. (This is where Mom's black belt skills in artful photocopying and providing tracing paper came in handy big time.)

I think we were fortunate with the science projects in that he always picked something that was more like consumer science. One year we all chewed different varieties of bubble gum and tested how far they'd stretch. Another year he tested milk to see if fat content affected how fast it would go bad in a cool, dark environment (under the bathroom cabinet).

The key to getting through this is to let the kid do what he can do, fix what you can, stay calm, and just try to get it looking tidy and nicely placed on the poster board. Colorful photographs are a great way to fill up space. Good luck!

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

stay calm

ah, but this implies that i am calm to start with. of course, if calm is synonymous with manic, maybe we're okay!

did i mention that i found out last night that this is due monday? and of course, the answer to 'why didn't you mention this before???' is the time-honored, 'but mom, i thought you knew.'

when i was growing up, participation in the science fair was voluntary. whenthehell did that change, and why wasn't i consulted?

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

Sometimes "focused manic" equals calm. :) Believe it or not, 99 percent of the other households in his grade are also having a freak-out this weekend.

I think at some point it generally became mandatory for middle school. Here it is voluntary in high school, and only the kids who intend to become doctors or scientists participate at that level.

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

"focused manic." i like that. i can even achieve that. maybe.

and he has also just handed me a lovely piece of paper to sign, and a frighteningly thick notebook containing 'vital information' about what must be completed for next month's Social Studies Fair. the topic he chose? George Washington: Cincinnatus Reborn

'koda, i don't even know what that means!'
'neither do i, but it was the first topic on the list.'

*is ded*

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

Another year he tested milk to see if fat content affected how fast it would go bad in a cool, dark environment (under the bathroom cabinet).

EW! How badly did your house begin to smell? Last year, my sister bought bottled milk that went bad too early and she was supposed to take it back for a refund, but didn't because she had to work and would forget. That milk sat in our refrigerator so long, the cream and whey started to separate, and then it simply decomposed altogether. And, of course, because it was in a glass bottle, we could see every stage! There's a science fair project for you!

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

It didn't smell bad, at least not at head level. I didn't bend over and sniff under the sink until it was time to throw the milk cups away. :) It only took four days to run the experiment, and the cups were covered with foil during it.

The decomposing milk bottle sounds really nasty. *shudders*

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

It was. *shudders* I'm the one who finally put it down the garbage disposal. *retches*

[brassebouillon.livejournal.com]

I'm french and as a kid, we didn't have to do such a project. (so you can decide to raise your kids in such a country!)
But, one of our biology teacher had decided to give us grades according to the growth speed of a bean we had to put in wet cotton then plant in eath.
The best grade went to a girl whose mother bought an actual grown-up bean with leafs...

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

i'd happily buy the entire school ice-cold cokes if this whole thing would just. go. away. :(

[dragonwrangler.livejournal.com]

Whoa, science fair projects. Good luck to you both with that. (I sometimes wonder if the teachers are running their own project-- like, let's see how much insanity we can cause in a set period of time.)

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

if the teacher will supply the padded room, i'll gladly demonstrate my current level of insanity. i think the county might happily supply a small room, though, as i'm seriously considering the most efficient methods and legal penalties for kidicide! :)

[blackmare-9.livejournal.com]

AUUUUGGGGHHHH SCIENCE FAIR RUN AWAY RUN AWAY


run to the grocery store and get yourself some actual beer for your very own experiment at the end of the day, okay?

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

i am, in fact, running to the grocery store. and the office supply store. and the dollar store. why?, you might reasonably ask. it's because WE DON'T HAVE MOST OF THE ITEMS WE NEED YET. i just drank three cups of coffee, and then tried to drown myself in the shower. alas, i failed.

not a beer drinker--hence my upthread comment graphically illustrates my frame of mind--but wine sounds good. and black russians sound better. i may in fact be adding the liquor store to the errand list.

[blackmare-9.livejournal.com]

I must grocery shop today, and go to a couple or three Art Things for my blogging gig.

Posted two more drawings last night, one new, one very old. It made me feel better.

drown myself in the shower

Old hunters' tale has it that turkeys can drown themselves in the rain but I think it's a little more difficult for humans. ;-)

Liquor store sounds like excellent plan. I may do that myself today.

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

I didn't even know what Science Fair Projects are, I had to Google it. We don't have them in my country, and from what I gather from your entry and the comments, I think I should be very happy about that! Is there even a purpose to this all, besides driving both parents and their kids to insanity?

Anyway - good luck to you both!!

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

that's the thing; there is no purpose. just like the whole dividing-fractions thingy the sixth grade is doing now. when, in your entire adult life have you ever had to divide a fraction? never, you say?

yeah... that's what i thought.

no purpose. but it does help the parents to reach their secret goal of more gray hairs.

[hibernia1.livejournal.com]

when, in your entire adult life have you ever had to divide a fraction? Never indeed! Besides, that's why they make pocket calculators, right?

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

Dividing and multiplying fractions is SO MUCH EASIER than adding and subtracting them. Who the hell thought the method for that up? I remember immense relief when we left adding and subtracting them and moved on to dividing and multiplying them. *nods*

Then again, the 'difficult' stuff has always been -- *snaps* like that -- to me and the 'easy' stuff has been the opposite. I need to find a copy of the Tratchenberg Method of Basic Mathematics so I can finally finish learning the rules. Conventional math makes little sense to me. It's not basic at all. It's stupid. Higher math is so much fun, but schools assume you have to master one to learn the other and wouldn't let me take those classes. Luckily, that's not necessarily the case in college. *reminisces*

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

yeah--koda's much better with the 'complicated' math, rather than the basic, as well. me, i hate it all.

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

But...but math is FUN! You know, when it's not forced on you...

[chocolate-frapp.livejournal.com]

as a non-parent who has Asperger's I'm just quietly stepping away from the whole thing....

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

and that, my dear, is One Smart Move. imagine, if you can, a menopausal Aspie mommy 'helping' a pubertal Aspie adolescent with... with... anything.

i continue to maintain that it is a Very Good Idea that there are no projectile-firing implements in the falango household.

[mich8283.livejournal.com]

Your posts are definitely making me rethink my parental ambitions (and making me want to call my own mom and apologize for the fits and freak outs (hers and my own) I put her through over the years of school projects, etc.)

Good luck!

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

yes; do call mom and apologize. it will be balm for her soul, i assure you it will.

gonna take all the 'luck' we can get. i am also accepting hugs, prayers, and small donations of unneeded brain cells.

[romeo46.livejournal.com]

Just a heads up so no one can say you weren't warned but when Koda is in his sophomore year of HS(provided he makes it that long) there will be a project where by you have a stack of pictures and have to go to the nursery and get a sample of each of the types of flowers and leaves on the papers. This will also involve dissecting said flowers and labeling items that all look alike.

Truthfully, I think if you handed in the project you got a good grade, it was that messed up.

Forewarned is forearmed as they say

Here is an idea what Koda's History topic is about- I stole this from the internets but basically Washington and Cinnicutus were both men absorbed with the Republican ideal. Koda should have picked Herodutus Father of History I could have written that one for him :)

Politically the American state is very similar to Athens. We seek to dominate and absorb alien peoples so that they might share our freedom but in doing so paradoxically create tyranny. We justify invasions using abstract republican values such as democracy. We are self-righteous and believe we are superior to all other states, we also believe it is our holy duty to spread democracy to all aliens, even those which fundamentally oppose democracy. We have an incredible unmatched hubris and belligerence. Our leaders attempt to inspire us to war and hunt Immanuel Goldstein through rousing oration, even if it’s plagued by Texan idiosyncrasies. The same rhetoric used in Pericles’ day is still in active use today, and will be eternally until people demand something more then a meme-infested banal minutia of red white and blue marginalization and judgment.
It is imperative in the modern era that we return to original republican moral values for our own sake in the pursuit of brilliance and to avoid further social decadence and corruption. Furthermore it is important that we return to George Washington’s (and other traditional republics) concept of isolationism. All states will eventually evolve into some semblance of a republic in the end; it is the natural human tendency. Just as many (if not more) lives will be lost in a quick, forced war (there is at least 29478 confirmed civilian casualties in Iraq for example but this is a wildly conservative number) as would be lost in a long, natural, protracted revolution. It is then logical (logos intact) for us to remain to ourselves and carry a big stick in the winds of time and allow dictators of far removed people to slaughter their people, it will only catalyze revolution further. It is not our place to colonize the world with the help of the new Delian League of NATO, our place is to enrich our own culture and remain closed to the outside turmoil. Eventually all states will be republican, and we will inherit a global united citizenry. This is not a distant imaginative dream; it is the will Cincinnatus reborn, our first president and proper hero and role model to all citizens, George Washington.

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

oh. my. god. oh my god. oh my GOD. OMG!!!1!1!!

nonononononononoNO No. just... no.

make it go away, mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i detest history; always have. geography, too. history was the first college course i took; i got a Big Red F.

on the other hand, i adore literature. [yeah, i know; that lecture about how most intelligent, avid readers are also enthusiastic students of history? go find nightdog_barks and feed it to her--at least you'll have an agreeable, appreciative audience. that particular lecture just goes into one of my ears, zooms through the Big Empty Space in the middle, and flies right out the other ear].

so... what i'm thinkin' here is... the class is called Social Studies, right. And for this fair, it says "Choose an individual...." and F. Scott Fitzgerald, my absolutely-all-time-phenomenally-amazing-favorite-author, is known as the Father of the Jazz Age. And he qualifies as 'an individual,' right? see where i'm going with this? work with me here....

anyway. that weird flower thingy you mentioned? my stepdad is an agricultural scientist; before his retirement he was Geigy's seniorist senior agricultural scientist. and even i see where i'm going with this-- Welcome Out of Retirement, Grandpa! hee.

[and--just in case--[worst case] i've printed out your comment, thanks; it could possibly be the only thing that saves koda's scrawny little neck.]

[romeo46.livejournal.com]

I could have used your stepdad when I was in HS then. That project was a BEAR. Even with everything all packed in individual labeled bags it still looked like nine hundred examples of the same thing.

I won't get on you about the history thing but I do have to say it makes me sad. Now I will go lurk back under the bridge where the rest of my historian elk sit in wait :P

I detested most classes in school but since I had people around me who told such great stories of the past I always had a thing for history. Some of it is tempered by the stack of history texts I am reading to muck my way through my Masters but I still love it and can watch the History Channel for HOURS. While my minor was in English I never really liked English class and your man Fitzgerald is a big reason why. I liked his writings but he is the reason I could never be a lit major. Sometimes a flower really is a flower. Jesus did EVERYTHING in The Great Gatsby have to have deeper symbolic meaning?

No, it really didn't

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, science fair. How I sympathize. My kids' school has one every year. Even the kindergarteners participate.

OTOH I'm a science fair judge for my kids' school, so it's always fun to see the results. (If you need some tips, I'm available, heh.) At least you chose a good project for it. :-)

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

it is finished. and i is *ded*. but here (http://kidsnurse.livejournal.com/52694.html) is the completed project. and i'll certainly remember the 'tips' offer next year! heh.

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, what I forgot to mention in my last comment: YOU QUIT SMOKING, YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!

And now back to current events. I vaguely remember having to do a science fair project in middle school. I know it involved a plant, but I don't remember much else. I remember the plant survived for years after the project was over. I remember my mother eventually made watering the plants one of my responsibilities because I was the only one who could keep them alive and make them grow. Who knew?

But, um, yeah -- that's probably the only reason I remember the project at all. The only thing my mother helped me with was taking me to Home Depot (at least I think it was Home Depot) to buy the plant. The project was mine and mine alone. *shrugs because I've got nothin' else in my memory bank at the moment*

*happily childless and plans to remain that way forevermore*

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

*happily childless and plans to remain that way forevermore*

yup; that's what i said, too--right up until i was forty-two years old.....

btw--that new thing you pity-reviewed at the Pit? one hundred fifty-seven hits in the less than three hours it's been up. number of reviews, including yours? two. two. but three people who didn't review did like it enough to favorite it. of course, i also have a story there with a grand total of thirteen reviews--yet it's in five C2s. yup, just gotta love that place.... only reason i even post there anymore is so i'll have all my stuff archived in two places, for when The Inevitable Big Crash happens here on the ever-reliable LJ [which just three minutes ago delivered to me all of your recent comment notifications in a great big bunch].

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

I don't pity-review, damn it. *nods fervently at you* Got it?

And just so you know, this new oner I'm finally working on is rather a lot lighter than the others in the canon-replacement-series-without-a-name.

Chase did end up buying that coffin-shaped cookie, it seems...

And just remember what I have kept in mind my entire acquaintance with californiaquail: the more people read your stuff, the more likely they are to start trying to tell you what to write.

I just got a review yesterday saying that I was responsible for the best House/Harry Potter crossover they'd ever come across. It's little gems like that that make me think that not everyone at the Pit is a loss. It was written in proper English and everything! I couldn't have been happier!

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

Chase did end up buying that coffin-shaped cookie, it seems...

i've no idea what you're talking about, sweetie--and please, keep it that way; my brain thanks you in advance.

i'm so glad someone at the Pit showed proper appreciation for your work; you deserve each word of praise you get.

[and the only way i knew this comment even existed was by checking my lj inbox, as the notifications are--again--not arriving. sigh.]

[angelfirenze.livejournal.com]

*chuckles*

Hm. I'm getting my comment notifications. Earlier, though, I wasn't able to load pages. I think they're having server trouble at the new place in Montana. Oh, hey -- question -- does the new Profile give you migraines like it does me?

*resists urge to go off on tangent yet again*

[kidsnurse.livejournal.com]

i just got another 'batch' of five comment notifications, four from you, one from pwcorgigirl answering your 'milk' comment.

no, the profile page doesn't give me migraines, but i very rarely go to the profile page. i am, however, suffering a migraine even as i type this. mine seem to mostly be triggered by over-the-top stress, or by too much/too little sleep. nausea also occasionally triggers one. so i've been having several a week, lately.