kidsnurse: (mareWilsonEyes)
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See that new user icon?  It's from a sketch by the multi-talented [info]blackmare_9 , and it inspired this one-shot. [info]blackmare_9   has somehow captured Wilson's pervasive sadness, his elusive vulnerability, and I began to wonder why I almost always detect something poignant whenever we see Wilson studying House.  And  this piece is Wilson's answer.  [dedicated, for obvious reasons, to the incredible  [info]blackmare_9 ]

Mare's WilsonClick to enlarge [info]blackmare_9's wonderful sketch! 

Title:  What Wilson Knows
Rating:  PG
Genre:  Angst
Characters:  Wilson, House, Cuddy 

Wilson sighs, stops writing, lifts his head, and gazes across the lobby towards the raised voice.  House is exiting the elevator, engaged in an animated conversation with the radiologist.  It's more of a monologue, really; Dr. Hendrickson is simply House's unwilling audience.  Wilson watches, amused, as the man bobs his head at House and tries to step away.  Wilson's unable to bite back a smile when he sees the tip of House's cane come down firmly on Hendrickson's left shoe and stay there, essentially pinning him in place while House continues to harangue him.

Cuddy walks to the door of her office and watches Wilson, watching House.  There's something she's always wondered about, and she sees it now--despite the indulgent, affectionate smile on Wilson's face as he observes his friend's antics, there's a sadness in his eyes.  He masks it well; it's doubtful that anyone other than Cuddy even notices.  But Cuddy sees it every time Wilson looks at House.  When she first noticed it, all she saw was the sadness--but every once in a while, she can see guilt and grief hiding there too. Yet the why of it all continues to elude her.

Wilson actually laughs out loud when House says something that causes Hendrickson to hold up his hands in a clear plea for mercy.  Wilson's laughing--but that look is still there, and finally his sorrow threatens to overcome her too, and so Cuddy turns away, deeply and inexplicably affected by his private hurt.

As House continues to expound on whatever it is that's upsetting him, Wilson goes back to filling out the prescription in front of him.  He looks again at the latest liver enzymes--they've made it safely through another month.  When House, moments later, stalks by him, Wilson doesn't even look up from the labs; he simply holds out the prescription.

House snags the piece of paper and glances at it.  "For me?  You shouldn't have!"  And then he's gone.

"No," Wilson agrees quietly, looking after him.  "I shouldn't have."  And if Cuddy had still been observing Wilson, she'd have seen that mysterious, guilt-tinged sadness return full force.  Because Wilson knows.

Wilson knows something that no one else seems to have yet figured out--not even House.  Only Wilson knows, and he's still surprised that he continues to carry the secret alone.  It's not going to be an angry patient.  It's not going to be a blood clot, or an electrocution, or even an overdose.  No.  Wilson knows what's going to kill House.  So he carries the sadness, and the guilt, and the grief, because the weapon that will yield the mortal blow will be Vicodin. 

And Wilson will wield that weapon....


Here we have the situation from House's point of view: 
What House Knows

 

Page 1 of 2 << [1] [2] >>

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
This is ... entirely too painful. Oh, Wilson.

I can't -- I mean -- oh.

*wibbles*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 10:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
entirely too painful

pounting out--one more time--that you've no one but yourself to blame! and thanking you, one more time. just went public with this--must. make. COFFEE. ;-)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-17 10:56 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misanthropicobs.livejournal.com
Wow, painful and yet so right. Yet what other choice does Wilson (or House) have? There is no answer that solves the problem, House's pain, without also slowly killing him. House made the choice and Wilson can't do anything else for his friend but to accept that choice, even knowing the eventual cost.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 10:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
House made the choice

except... he didn't. it's no more a choice for house than insulin is a choice for a diabetic. and you're correct--there is no good answer. hobson's choice, indeed.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mystcphoenxcafe.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 04:18 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 05:19 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 11:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibernia1.livejournal.com
Why did I decide to open this while at work? It made me cry. So sad, so painful, so beautiful, so true - and no way out, for Wilson or House. House needs Vicodin, Wilson knows he needs it - so sad. Thanks for writing and sharing.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 11:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
oh, please feel absolutely free to blame all the sadness and the pain on [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9, artist of the lovely sketch that grabbed me and forced me to write this--i know i'm blaming her! ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 12:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bornbeautific.livejournal.com
I really like the rhythm of this. It's so sad. I feel for Wilson. I like that Cuddy is a witness to this sadness of his. It's like she feels just as bad for Wilson as the reader does.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 12:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
poor wilson. while i believe that house knows that his pain meds will contribute mightily to his eventual death, i honestly think it hasn't yet occurred to him that his best friend feels like a murderer. but that's a subject for another story!

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mystcphoenxcafe.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 04:19 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 04:51 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 12:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com
Oh, this is so lovely! Wilson's blend of sorrow and affection on observing House underscores why he so enjoys House's company. He knows that someday it won't be there, and that seems to make those moments of House being House all the more precious.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 12:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thank you so much; i'm honored that you've taken the time to comment on my work. and isn't [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9's sketch amazing? as soon as i saw her interpretation of wilson's eyes, this vignette just began to write itself--wilson just had to share his burden. i was much inspired by what mare captured.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] poeia.livejournal.com
Oh, goody. I always like to go through 4 or 5 tissues before leaving for work.

This was beautiful and very, very sad.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
Oh, goody. I always like to go through 4 or 5 tissues before leaving for work.

is it wrong that this part of your comment made me giggle--with satisfaction?

and thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maineac.livejournal.com
Very very poignant. And too true.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
wilson's eyes in [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9's sketch [which i only obviously love just a wee little bit] simply cried out for explanation. so i asked wilson, and this is what he reluctantly told me. the story makes me sad, too, but i am celebrating the apparent return of my long-absent writing voices! ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chaoskir.livejournal.com
Arrgh great! But sad! But great! and sad! And I got the same problem as hibernia1. I´m at work and it made me almost crying. But otherwise. It´s good that I read it at work. Maybe at home I would really cry. Thanks a lot for this emphatetically written fic.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 01:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
*passes tissues*

it is just mildly depressing, isn't it? and you're welcome!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 02:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sodiumbisulfite.livejournal.com
I never really thought about how Wilson felt prescribing House's drugs like that. But it makes perfect sense.

I just want to go wrap my arms around Wilson and give him a big ol' hug

:)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
I just want to go wrap my arms around Wilson and give him a big ol' hug

wilson does seem to engender that reaction in us, doesn't he? ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 02:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] genagirl.livejournal.com
So beautiful. I always wondered about the sadness in Wilson's eyes and I think this is the most heartbreaking explanation I've ever read.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
the most heartbreaking explanation

it is, isn't it? i wrote this last night, should be over it, but i've got to admit, it's leaving me with a residual sadness, even today....

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pffff5.livejournal.com
argh....
So true.
Sad but also really happy to read something from you. And what a "something" !
Don't know if your muse was MIA for a while (you said that, right ?) but for me, she's right there now, hitting your keyboard and in really good shape !
Thanks

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
did you miss this one (http://kidsnurse.livejournal.com/35247.html), put up saturday? and you're very welcome!!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alemyrddin.livejournal.com
heartbreaking. And, unfortunately, so true.
thanks for sharing.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
you're quite welcome; the sharing is the best part for me! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 04:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonwrangler.livejournal.com
So sad, but so spot on. And Wilson can't stop wielding that weapon since the alternative is seeing House in pain or letting someone who doesn't have a chance to control House prescribe the Vicodin (which might just speed things up-- or leave House looking for another source.) I'm guessing House probably does know but doesn't want to add to Wilson's pain by acknowledging it. Or just refuses to look too close at what he knows he's doing to Wilson because of the emotions that he would have to deal with if he did.

Very thought provoking piece (and picture-- great sketch [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9!) Thanks for sharing!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 04:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
Or just refuses to look too close at what he knows he's doing to Wilson because of the emotions that he would have to deal with if he did.

agreed. poor house. poor wilson....

great sketch [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9!

again, absolute agreement!!! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arhh.livejournal.com
*hugs Wilson* *hugs kidsnurse* Another wonderful, yet extremely sad and wrenching look at House, Wilson and their friendship. Missed your writings over the summer. Glad to see you back :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 04:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thanks so much; ecstatically happy to be back, and to be able to provide reading material once again! ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] writemage.livejournal.com
=( Poor Wilson.

Wilson... is such a sad character. He's happy sometimes, or mad, but there's always a tone of sadness in him. This fic captures that perfectly.

~Muse

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 08:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
always a tone of sadness in him
and in house as well; i think that's a large part of what makes both of them so endlessly intriguing. so glad you enjoyed this!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 10:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelcat2865.livejournal.com
Great story as usual, very sad.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 10:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
glad you liked, and sorry for the sad! please to blame [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9's heartrending depiction of wilson's eyes.....
(deleted comment)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-17 10:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
Hi Jane!

I'm not sure whether KidsNurse is around at the moment, so I'm going to make a request on her behalf; I do hope not to offend.

The thing is, those who don't know this author often fail to realize that she has a young son who reads her fiction pieces here on LJ. So certain commenter icons sometimes make her rather uncomfortable. Just an FYI.

all right

From: [identity profile] jane-hidell.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-17 11:33 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: all right

From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 03:51 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: all right

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 04:37 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 12:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] worthless-hope.livejournal.com
My word. I now feel all emo and sad for Wilson. I feel the need to pet him and tell him everything will be alright.
Beautifully written.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 04:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
I feel the need to pet him and tell him everything will be alright.

but--thankfully for us--it won't be, will it? ;)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] worthless-hope.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-18 04:43 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 04:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mystcphoenxcafe.livejournal.com
Greetings!

Oh, yes, you just get better and better, my dear. :-) You have taken that wonderful fiery raw passion of yours and honed it into something strong and beautiful and even more powerful. Brava!!! I am in awe.... :-) *bows*

And, as ever, you raise the Big Questions. In this case, at what point do you simply have to let go and admit that it is, in the end, their life to live as they see fit - even when the choices made lead to places that we would prefer they not go? And when do you have to acknowledge a person's right to choose quality of life over quantity of life - even when that means saying good-bye all the sooner? Ntm raising an excellent argument for why you don't choose a friend for your physician. Not merely an argument of objectivity v. not, but also to prevent this sort of guilt, should something go wrong.

I see in this an odd reflection of the scene between House and the young lady from "Insensitive"... "...every morning I check my eyes to see if the Vicodin has finally shot my liver...." That sense of mutual despair is mirrored here and only adds to the power of the piece.

Thank you so much for posting this. As ever, you have given me much to think about.
Bright Blessings,
-Katrina

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 04:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
And when do you have to acknowledge a person's right to choose quality of life over quantity of life - even when that means saying good-bye all the sooner?

my opinion? i don't believe there's ever a time when we can't acknowledge that right. [assuming the entire 'adult of sound mind' thing, that is] and i do admire wilson for doing so, at such huge personal cost and eventual sacrifice.....

Wonderful

Date: 2007-10-18 04:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] catgirlpoison.livejournal.com
Must you be so wonderful with your writing? I had to come write something since anytime I get something saying you have a new story, I want to rush right over and read. Haven't been on the web for a long time while in recovery but finally doing better. Hope things are going well for you and your own. Just made my day, but also made me want to cry, what could be better.

Re: Wonderful

Date: 2007-10-18 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
so happy to know that you're doing better! [and gee, it must be nice to actually get notifications and such from LJ. there seems to be a glitch between my ISP and LJ, so i don't get any alerts anymore--the 'refresh' button and i have become well acquainted./silly gripe]

also happy that you enjoyed the story! *hugs*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 10:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annalully.livejournal.com
This is devastating.

Wilson's silent guilty is so well presented and somehow was a shock for me. It actually explains why he is so determined/desperate to stop House's Vicodin habit and why he puts up with so many things. I can easily believe that the Wilson from the show thinks like that.

Great insight in Wilson's mind.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 06:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
somehow was a shock for me

believe it or not, it was a shock for me as well. house and wilson have only recently started 'talking' to me again, and i was quite surprised when, while i was admiring [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9's sketch, wilson insisted that this is the explanation for much of his sorrow when he observes house. thanks for the lovely comment!

test

Date: 2007-10-19 07:13 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
This is a test comment to ascertain if LJ is currently allowing RoadRunner to block their notifications again as "spam".

Re: test

Date: 2007-10-19 07:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
And... that'd be a "yes."

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-19 08:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] alanwolfmoon.livejournal.com
i glanced at this, and went "oh darn, it's so short..."
which it is *not*

wonderful and painful, all at the same time...

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-20 04:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thanks so much, and i apologize for the delayed reply; lj is having "issues" getting their email notifications delivered, and i am currently reliant solely on my lj inbox to know about comments and replies. sigh....

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-20 01:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelfirenze.livejournal.com
Uh, ow? *whimpers* THIS IS SO SAD! *cries* But I'm so glad you're writing again! *dances with glee*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-20 04:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
so glad you're writing again

me too, sweetie--me too! still awaiting the muse's full-time return, but optimistic now that it'll actually happen! ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-22 06:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hansolo5.livejournal.com
So sad and so true. Never thought about that, though sensed it, in a way . When you have a person you love dealing with a huge problem you know there's no way to solve, your life can be happy at times, even often , but there's always a background , an undertone of sorrow , and when this truth hits you it doesn't leave.
Now everytime I look at Wilson, his look will remind me this story and Blackmare 9' sketch.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-22 07:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
me too; after seeing [livejournal.com profile] blackmare_9's sketch, and consequently writing this piece, it's somehow deepened my appreciation of--and empathy for--wilson. thanks so muchfor letting us know how much you enjoyed both the lovely sketch and the vignette it inspired.
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