kidsnurse: (SadHW)
[personal profile] kidsnurse
Title:  What House Knows
Rating:  PG
Genre:  Friendship, a bit of angst
Summary:  House knows he's put Wilson in a tough position--but he has his reasons.



This piece is the companion to last week's What Wilson Knows.


House strides to the pharmacy, the script from Wilson in his hand.  As he hands it over and waits for the pharmacist to fill it, he palms the last Vicodin from his current bottle and slips it discreetly into his mouth.  Normally, he'd make certain that everyone in the vicinity knew that the cripple was down to his last pill--but Wilson's been getting better lately about being prompt with the refills.  So, probably not a good idea to do anything that might send someone complaining to his... his what?

Drug dealer?  Pusher?  Supplier?  Yeah, supplier works--Wilson supplies what House needs so that House can continue to function.  And if what House needs will also eventually kill him?  Well, the way House sees it, that's acceptable collateral damage.

Occasionally, it crosses House's mind that this may put his best friend in a less-than-comfortable position.  But House knows something that allows him to justify what this might be doing to Wilson.

When the time comes, that inevitable, inescapable point after the words 'liver transplant' or 'renal failure' have been spoken, when House has refused (because he will refuse) any life-prolonging measures, House knows what he wants--and what he doesn't want.  He doesn't want some cold, impersonal hand holding the gun, some stranger's finger on the trigger.  He wants someone almost as intimate with the pain as he is.  He wants Wilson.

Wilson understands something about the pain that no one else does, that no other doctor would even try  to understand.  Wilson's aware that Pain is a tangible entity in House's life, as real and solid as Wilson himself.  Pain is like a despised relative, but a relative who House isn't fortunate enough to see only once a year at a holiday dinner, and then forget about for the next three hundred and sixty four days.  Pain happens to live under the same roof, and must therefore be acknowledged daily.  Pain's needs must be met, and Pain must be treated with something approaching respect.  And Wilson's willing to do that, even when House is not.

Wilson does something else that House cannot allow himself to do; he's gentle with the pain.  He's kind to it, and acknowledges and fills its unending needs.  House won't do that; he can't recognize Pain's existence on any but the most superficial level.  If he did, then he'd have to acquiesce to its strength, allow it to sweep him away from all that's important to him--Pain, House knows, is a jealous and possessive creature.  So he counts on Wilson to feed Its demands from a safe distance.

When the day comes that the pain is stronger than Wilson's attempts to appease it, when those very attempts are costing House his life, Wilson should feel no guilt.  Because yeah, Wilson's been wielding the weapon all along--but it's a double-edged sword.  House knows this as well as he knows his own name.  Wilson might occasionally wonder if his actions will eventually murder House.  But House will make sure --before that last day comes--that Wilson knows that the man who vanquishes his pain is also the man who will, in the end, release him from it forever.  And Wilson needs to know that, as far as House is concerned, providing that release doesn't make Wilson a murderer; it makes him a liberator.  And that, thinks House, is the ultimate absolution. 

 
 

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 07:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com
Absolutely beautiful, a great pair of pieces that fit together as well as House and Wilson. This set is poignant and well-balanced. Nicely done.

By the way, I think there's some kind of a formatting error going on with your link to the previous piece.
(deleted comment)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 08:24 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 08:35 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 08:53 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 08:56 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 09:14 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 11:44 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 01:41 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 02:09 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 02:13 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 05:17 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 02:36 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-27 06:17 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 08:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misanthropicobs.livejournal.com
Yes, just the sort of thing I hoped for. It makes the connection and the pain between them so plain. The sword as a descriptor is ideal because that sharp, two sided, implement is just what the vicodin is. In the end it both frees and kills. They are both victor and victim of it and of House's pain. Neither could be or act any differently and remain himself.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 08:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
so it reads okay? no suggestions?

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] misanthropicobs.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 08:34 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 08:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maineac.livejournal.com
Oh, what an incredibly powerful concept.

And these lines:

"release for House doesn't make Wilson a murderer; it makes him a liberator. And that, thinks House, is the ultimate absolution."

Just amazing.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 08:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
okay, i've now heard positive things from three people whose opinions i hold in highest esteem. does this mean it's ready to go to the comms?

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] misanthropicobs.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-25 08:40 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 08:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chaoskir.livejournal.com
argh, I love it. Puuh I´m glad I´m 8 hours ahead of you and at home. If I´ve read that in my office I would have to stare out of the window to get a grip on me. Thank you so much for these amazing two stories. They are great and very moving.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 08:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
you are, as always, very welcome! and i'm glad that i didn't get you upset at work!!! ;)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arhh.livejournal.com
*cries* *cuddles House and Wilson*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
awww... it's indeed a sad--but unavoidable--situation, isn't it?

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] arhh.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 12:53 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 09:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jane-hidell.livejournal.com
Loved both of these. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thank you. glad you enjoyed them, and took the time to let me know; i appreciate it!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 09:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelcat2865.livejournal.com
Great Job once again! Love how you can tell both sides of the story. It give your works so much more depth.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 10:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
it's great fun attempting to tell their story from both viewpoints, and it's wonderful praise to know that you appreciate that aspect of my work--thanks so much!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 11:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sydneylover150.livejournal.com
Wow. Wilson and Cuddy don't think House realizes what problems he causes, but they don't realize House does know and he has a reason. That really is deep. ;<) I'm serious, don't worry.

I find myself, as always, following more into House's camp, but this time I also feel sorry from Wilson and can understand his point to. I just wish sometimes he realized that House does know. And it is what he wants.

That was very powerful. You are truely an excellent writer hun!!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-25 11:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
I just wish sometimes he realized that House does know. And it is what he wants.

i think a subconscious part of wilson is aware of this, and it's simply one of the many things he won't let himself consciously examine. he doesn't want to hurt more for house than he already does.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] sydneylover150.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 12:13 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 12:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hithah.livejournal.com
Wonderful as always. I love your use of Pain personified, and I'm fascinated by your description of Wilson appeasing Pain at a distance so House doesn't have to acknowledge It any more than he does.

I have to wonder what Wilson's reaction will be when House finally does have that conversation with him about liberation. Will House actually get around to discussing this before he finds himself in the middle of that final crisis? And will Wilson even go along with House's plan? I love fics that make me ask questions about the characters by the end, and you always supply that.

Thanks for sharing this!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 12:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
Will House actually get around to discussing this before he finds himself in the middle of that final crisis? And will Wilson even go along with House's plan?

actually, they're both still talking at me about this whole thing, so you might get to read that 'final scene' if they keep jabbering about it! :)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] hithah.livejournal.com - Date: 2007-10-26 12:17 am (UTC) - Expand

Comment. (Dr. Fantabulous)

Date: 2007-10-26 12:15 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Woah...that's what I was saying by the end, just, woah...
Terrific analysis, I just loved the conclusion, "...that release doesn't make Wilson a murderer; it makes him a liberator. And that, thinks House, is the ultimate absolution." That was just very House-like in nature, the attraction to concept of freedom in any form. And a perspective that can rationalize or justify anything.
Fabulous :)

Re: Comment. (Dr. Fantabulous)

Date: 2007-10-26 12:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
hi! So good to see you, dr. fantabulous!! hope all is well with you.

That was just very House-like in nature, the attraction to concept of freedom in any form. And a perspective that can rationalize or justify anything.

and so very sad, in a way. house's defenses are, i think, just truly poignant forms of self-preservation, i think. poor house.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annalully.livejournal.com
This is unbelievable sad! It makes me feel so sorry for them. I doubt that Wilson would be able to understand House's motives. To House would be the ultimate absolution but for Wilson, I guess, would be the worst punishment.

It's a incredible insight into House's pain, physical and emotional.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 12:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
i just don't think that wilson could shoulder any more hurt for house, and still be able to function. that's my theory, anyway.

It's a incredible insight into House's pain, physical and emotional.

thanks so much!!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] genagirl.livejournal.com
A beautiful companion to WWK. Beautiful and so very moving.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 02:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thank you; i appreciate the kind words!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 03:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonwrangler.livejournal.com
Oh, wonderful companion piece to "What Wilson Knows." Makes sense that House would view his pain as an entity-- making it feel as if there are three people involved in this story. I'd really like to see if House can actually have that conversation before the last day comes, or if Wilson is going to have to force the issue (though Wilson certainly isn't any better at those type of confrontations than House is.) Actually, now that I think about it, Pain will definitely be the one to force the two of them to finally talk to each other.

Thanks for another great story!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 10:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
Pain will definitely be the one to force the two of them to finally talk to each other.

ironic, isn't it? chronic pain causes much of house's 'shut-down' from the rest of the world--yet it's also what allows him to be more open with wilson than he'd otherwise be. that's why, in the show, it kills me when wilson chooses to deny its brutal reality. [relax, mj; thirdseasonisover, thirdseasonisover....]

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
I've been avoiding this because it hurts me to think about -- so I guess you've done your job well.

Oh, House. Get your friend to give you something stronger than Vicodin, something without the acetaminophen; solve the problem some other way. Don't commit suicide by Wilson.

*sigh*

That thing about his wanting it to be a friend who does this to/for him? Just breaks me into tiny little horsey bits.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 10:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
ahhh--i've been awaiting your reaction to this with bated [or--in a nod to the pit--baited] breath! and he doesn't want it to be 'a friend'; it's gotta specifically be wilson, because i believe that house believes that wilson is the only human being who truly cares about him. ymmv.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 06:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibernia1.livejournal.com
Ow... so beautiful, so sad... it's always sad when there's no choice, and in the end, Pain will always be stronger. I hope House will make sure to let Wilson know what he knows, otherwise Wilson will feel forever guilty after the inevatible... Thanks for sharing this.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 11:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
I hope House will make sure to let Wilson know what he knows

because neither house nor wilson seems quite ready to let this whole thing go, we may, in fact, get to see that. as long as they keep talking, i'll keep listening!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 07:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pffff5.livejournal.com
"WHAT HOUSE KNOWS", or "CHRONICLE OF A DEATH FORETOLD" (do you know that book ?)
That was beautiful. Particularly the last paragraph. Your choice of words is hard-hitting and powerful : "murderer", "liberator", "ultimate absolution". It's overwhelming but in a strange way, it is almost comforting. Guess we've reached the 5th step : Acceptance.
Or is it fatalism. I feel ambivalent.
Thank you ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 11:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
"CHRONICLE OF A DEATH FORETOLD" (do you know that book ?)

no, sorry to say, i don't. only marquez book i've read is one hundred years of solitude, and --while i remember appreciating both it and his talent, i know for a [rather depressing] fact that my brain couldn't handle anything as deep as marquez right now. but maybe someday....

Guess we've reached the 5th step : Acceptance.
Or is it fatalism. I feel ambivalent.


yeah... me too. so, i think, does house. and wilson. hopefully, though, they'll let us know!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 06:26 pm (UTC)
ext_25649: House sucking a lollipop while staring at Wilson (Default)
From: [identity profile] daisylily.livejournal.com
I like both of these a lot, even though they're so sad.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-26 06:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
even though they're so sad

ah, but it is a brutal truth that sadness is often a side-effect of reality, even in fiction....

[and you may quote me on that--if you can figure out what the hell i was trying to say. it sounded, btw, perfectly coherent in my pea-brain; wasn't 'til i'd actually typed it out that i realized... oh, nevermind, i'm not even clear on what i realized!]

*inadvisedly heads back to the coffee pot*

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-28 01:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hansolo5.livejournal.com
Like Blackmare9 , I've been avoiding this for some time...but now that I read it, I must say it hurted so good...
I mean , reading your stories makes me feel sad and happy at the same time, and I so love it ...ehm, I hope I'm clear!
A question: in recent episodes we very rarely see House taking Vicodin...do you think it's because the writers are aware this issue's been overexposed, or they point it out as a reaction House has towards Wilson and all he caused to him, not to blatantly popping his pills? Or any other idea (since these are my impressions and you may not be sharing any of two )?

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-28 03:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
i like your theories as to the less-obvious vicodin consumption, but--being both a cynic and something of a pessimist--i'm thinking it may have more to do with the writers simply inadvertently "dropping another stitch," as it were. in other words, i think we see him take it when they remember that he takes it, and--what with lines for all the new castmembers to keep track of--it may have pretty much slipped their minds for the time being (along with a few other established aspects of his character development--but that's another rant. sigh....) glad you liked the piece!