kidsnurse: (ACDep)
[personal profile] kidsnurse
Title:  Wondering
Rating:  G
Characters:  Wilson, House [friendship]
Summary:  This is a long overdue companion piece to Knowing, in which House explores his belief about why Wilson stays, and what could cause him to leave.  In Wondering, it's Wilson's turn to explore the question--and to answer it.
[x-posted]

The first piece:  Knowing  [House's POV]

Wondering  [Wilson's POV]

Wilson simply stands there, leaning against the wall, posture open and relaxed--inviting House to accept what comfort he can offer.  House's pain is bad, worse than usual, and it's reflected in House's mood, in the way House's own posture is closed-in; his body curls protectively into itself.  It's clearest in the way House won't meet Wilson's eyes.

Wilson suddenly remembers an article he'd read, a study of the psychological implications of serious illness in adopted kids.  One line comes back to him:  Many of these children see their illness as the ultimate test of the question that's always been on their minds; "will they desert me now?"  The article had gone on to say that adopted children never overcome the feeling that if they weren't good enough for their birth parents, they can  never be good enough for anyone else; their entire lives turn into an exhausting test--What will I finally do to push you away?  Wilson's not sure why watching House has reminded him of this, but the connection makes him sad nonetheless.

He's spent a lot of time, over the years, wondering what he could say, what he could do, to convince House that he'll always be around.  He'd thought, for a while, that he'd truly messed it up, leaving House on the floor last Christmas Eve.  He could tell that House thought he'd really torn it that time--had found a way to push Wilson out, had proven his theory that everyone would leave him eventually.  

What House had been unable to figure out, though, is that--while Wilson had walked out that night--it was only in the physical sense.  He'd never left; not emotionally--he couldn't.  Wouldn't.  Didn't even want to.   Oh, House.  What can I say?  I'm here because I want to be here.  I'm here because you're worth all the crap.  I'm not here because you need me; I could never pity you.

Wilson walks into the bedroom and returns with a couple of pillows and a blanket; he tosses it all to House.  "Get comfortable; looks like you're stuck there a while."

House lets the bedding fall to the floor.  "You're not.  I'm fine.  Go."

Wilson sighs quietly, then walks to the couch and retrieves the linens.  He puts the pillows on the end of the couch and covers House with the blanket.  House twists his mouth, but when he doesn't protest, Wilson chances sitting down next to him, just inches away, hoping that House can feel the caring he's trying so hard to telegraph.  After a full minute of silence, Wilson takes a chance.  He doesn't look at House when he speaks.

"I'm not going anywhere, ya know.  Not now."  Wilson turns his head and meets House's dubious eyes.  "Not ever."

Now House is the one to look away,  as Wilson continues to study his face.  "That a promise or a threat?"  House's voice is dry, and his eyes are amused and challenging.  But Wilson's already seen the truth--the vulnerability, the fear House had instantly masked as he'd turned his head away.

Wilson takes a deep breath, and in that moment, it comes to him--the answer.  The only right answer.  He smiles at House, and then allows his expression to grow serious.  "Neither one.  It's your favorite thing, House--a fact.  Not a promise to break, not a threat to hold over your head.  A fact.  Black and white.  Plain and simple.  Inarguable.  Just... a fact."

House leans his head against the back of the couch and closes his eyes.  "A fact," he repeats, almost in a whisper.  "Inarguable."    

And then, as Wilson watches, House pulls in a long, shuddering breath and lets it go.  He opens his eyes, looks directly at Wilson, and nods.

Wilson stands and grabs one of the pillows, arranges it gently under House's right leg, and watches as House's body relaxes, as House finally sinks into the comfort that's always been there, all along.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-13 06:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misanthropicobs.livejournal.com
Another YES, YES, YES. I especially liked the section about Wilson's musing on the study he read. It is how House reacts. Yes, I know that he wasn't adopted but the reaction to not being accepted (approved of) by his father engendered the same response at the study spoke of. House's relaxation later on shows so much how he needs Wilson's care & concern yet always has the same underlying fear of abandonment. That abandonment process began so early in his life that I'm not sure he'll ever be entirely rid of that as his automatic reaction. Wilson shows here in the only way that would work that will be there. Wilson needs to be able to do this sort of thing for House not only because he cares for him but because Wilson needs House as much as House needs Wilson.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-13 10:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thanks, as always, for your perceptive analysis--and for your support!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-13 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
Hey. It's nice to see Wilson finally getting it, answering the question that House hasn't asked.

I didn't get to respond to this earlier because I had to rush out the door. I worked today, teaching others how to paint ballroom dance gowns. Hee.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-13 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
paint gowns? or paint on gowns?

do i get bonus points for being brave enough to post it prior to your response? hee. [and you should've been the one writing this, ya know--i'm certain i'd have liked it a lot more. but at least it's... something, though]

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-13 11:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelfirenze.livejournal.com
This was fantastic. As usual. And you finally pulled them all together! Do you have the links all in one entry so I can add that one to my memories? Go look at the House, M.D. entry or the one you have for me if you're wondering what I mean. I've added considerably to the only link you have for me.

As for the adopted kids mention, you remember that post-'No Reason' RPG I started a year and a half ago? Remember how we made House adopted? I wonder what it is about (possibly my) RPGs where they seem to die out every time. *ponders for a moment before glancing at the burrito beside me*

Am hungry. Will eat.

And I had an idea earlier today and looked it up on Ye Olde Intarweb: could my allergies be playing a part in my numerous ear infections? I found a link between allergies and ear infections in adults and plan to ask my internist for a renewal of my Allegra prescription the next time I see him. I had to stop taking it while I was on the Keppra because it would make me sleep all day. Maybe now I can go back on it. I certainly hope it would help.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-13 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
answers to all questions: no, and i don't know.

glad you liked the story, though!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] phinnia.livejournal.com
Wilson musing on that study is just perfect, and the fact that he'd think of this is just another example of how eerie his ability to read House's mind is. :-) The promise/threat discussion is perfectly in character, too. :-) Lovely.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
i very much appreciate your comment that they're in character; i'm afraid i've gotten a bit rusty over the last few months!

Comment. (Dr. Fantabulous)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:36 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Love the analogous study- and the unique idea that maybe Wilson isn't there because he needs to be needed, but because having his friend around and well is important to him. Also, psychologically clever of Wilson to state this as a fact for House, "plain and simple" as for a kid. And back to the study Wilson was reminded of, about children, we've come full circle. I like that you always manage to relate House to a child, he is very adolescent in nature. Maybe the adopted-child theory serves to explain some of it.
I'm so excited that you're writing again!

Re: Comment. (Dr. Fantabulous)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
i'm excited to be writing again too [but i won't be really excited until the sequel to tmtc is well underway]! and while house clearly isn't a child, he certainly has many aspects of both child-like and childish behavior, doesn't he?

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:49 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I think you have an amazing insight into both Houses's and Wilson's minds... Sometimes I think if I ever really tried to understand what goes in their brains (especially in the 'rat maze' of House' s brain, as Wilson wonderfully said in SoaGC, LOL!), I'd become insane, but somehow you managed to put the both of them in words so perfectly.
I'm really in awe.
I esp. loved the lines "Wilson will always be here, because House will never ask him to stay." from House's piace and "I'm here because you're worth all the crap" from Wilson's piece.
They both need each other, really. Somehow, they FIT. And it's amazing.
Thank you for writing this. Seriously.

- Winter

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
you are very welcome! glad you enjoyed the pieces, and thanks so much for commenting.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 04:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sydneylover150.livejournal.com
I liked the idea of Wilson thinking of the adopted children. It seems very appropriate when one thinks about House. (Honestly I would probably do some serious damage to Mr. House if I was on the show. *growls*)

Also liked how he told House that his staying was a fact. Which is a perfect way for House to understand. "Black and White is all he sees..." Great job!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
Also liked how he told House that his staying was a fact. Which is a perfect way for House to understand. "Black and White is all he sees..."

absolutely--i really believe that, too. and good to see you!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sydneylover150.livejournal.com
"Black and White is all he sees..."

absolutely--i really believe that, too.

Totally. There is something missing in House that other people have. But luckily he has Wilson, although sometimes it seems he does not completely understand that House can never be like other people. He seems to be understanding more this year.

and good to see you!

Good to see you too! How are things going? Well I hope! ;<)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 04:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] genagirl.livejournal.com
A friend of mine asked me the other day to rec some good House fic with emotional heart and I said Kidsnurse! This is just another example of why. Thank you.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
awww... thank you! what a lovely compliment; i'm very much appreciative.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 06:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelcat2865.livejournal.com
This is wonderful! Both stories are. I love how you write House and Wilson.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thanks--i'm so glad you enjoyed them, and took the time to let me know!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 09:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chaoskir.livejournal.com
I just can say: I love it.

and

Thank you.

(I bow for you)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
happy to see you, happy you enjoyed it!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 10:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibernia1.livejournal.com
Oh, this is beautiful, I love the ending, Wilson is clever to come upwith a dry scientific thing as "a fact", to get through to House. Thanks for writing and sharing.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
and thanks so much for reading and commenting. i hope that soon, there'll be more to come.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hibernia1.livejournal.com
So do I! Can't wait to read more. Can I add you as a friend?

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
of course!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 11:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] annalully.livejournal.com
This is wonderful!

I love, love your Wilson, your understanding and caring Wilson.

Perfect pace and great voices!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 12:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
i'm glad to hear that it works for you; still feeling a bit tentative in the writing, after so many months of nothing--so your words mean a lot!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 02:03 pm (UTC)
ext_22429: "This is ridiculous, what am I doing here, I'm in the wrong story" (Default)
From: [identity profile] tiggpwns.livejournal.com
YAY YOU'RE BACK!!! -squees- Even though Angst!fic isn't generally the best way to start the morning, this one had a happy-ish ending, and... I missed how well you were (are, acutally) able to get inside House's and Wilson's respective heads. It's amazing to see how the emotion that House hardly ever actually shows plays out in your fics, and... you make me go yay.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thank you so much--both for the kind words and for the warm welcome. and i'm glad i could make you go yay!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blackmare-9.livejournal.com
The thing I like best about this is Wilson saying that his presence in House's life is a fact.

Because really? Wilson knows that it isn't even a choice for him, not really. In order for him to choose to leave House, he'd have to be someone other than he is.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
In order for him to choose to leave House, he'd have to be someone other than he is.

and the truth of that statement is the well from which all of our house-wilson friendship fic springs; good observation.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 03:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] misanthropicobs.livejournal.com
It's true, neither of them has a choice here. They wouldn't be the people they are if there was a choice in the matter. They are one entity, you can't leave yourself.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saara-zaara.livejournal.com
Came on the rec at HHoW - very nice, I really like the close of this, and that Wilson knows exactly that what House needs is the certainty of facts.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-14 09:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
i'm so glad you wandered over; i'm even more glad that you enjoyed your stay! thanks so much.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-15 12:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] med-anomaly.livejournal.com
Simply lovely. Wilson's declaration of fact was perfect. You write the boys the way I know they have it in them to be. Wonderful work.

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-15 10:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
Wilson's declaration of fact was perfect.

as i learn how to better communicate with koda--working around and working with his asperger's--i think it's actually giving wilson a bit of insight into how to communicate with house! ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-15 02:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] therealmccoy1.livejournal.com
This was just awesome.

I love the study you mentioned at the beginning. It fit Wilson's mind and House so well.

And I love how House just took a breath a nodded. No words could express it better.

Really, great great stuff here!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-15 10:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
thanks so much for commenting; i'm glad you enjoyed it. writing these two is one of my great pleasures, and it's such a lovely bonus when reading it brings others pleasure as well!

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-15 03:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mickey-p.livejournal.com
Yes. Perfect, absolutely perfect. Of course, what else would I expect, from Kidsnurse? Welcome back, friend..you havn't lost the touch.

Mick

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-15 10:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
you havn't lost the touch.

thanks muchly for the vote of confidence; i'll remember it as i attempt to dive back into writing the sequel to the more things change. ;-)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 03:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mystcphoenxcafe.livejournal.com
Greetings!

Beautiful and sad in one.... :-)
There is, I am certain, much more to say about this piece, but I am overcome w/a sudden strange melancholy, so I think I shall leave it there for now. Suffice it to say that, as usual, you have pulled me into your world and made me think. :-) Well done! :-D

So... does this mean that your Muse has finally returned from that long vacation? Did she ever tell you where she went to??? Just curious.... :-P

Thank'ee's for posting this and great to see you back in an authorial sense! :-)

*hugs!*
-Katrina

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 05:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
does this mean that your Muse has finally returned

she's not back back; she's flitting in and out, and playing hide-and-seek in the corners, and she simply giggles on confrontation, then slips into the shadows again. so... i'm generally ignoring her, allowing her to whisper to me on her terms, for now.

great to see you back in an authorial sense!

great to be back, believe me!! :)

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 01:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pffff5.livejournal.com
Awesome.
Think that puts an end to my doubts....
;-)
Thanks

(no subject)

Date: 2007-10-18 06:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kidsnurse.livejournal.com
puts an end to my doubts

you know, when i answered your comment on knowing, i didn't explain my theory nearly as clearly as this vignette explains it--which is proven by your line above!! so i'm lol here; apparently my fiction is more lucid than my RL thoughts!! hee.